Well, here it is 5am on a Saturday morning.....I've been up for an hour already and I was up about 4 times during the night. If I could just get this sleep thing under control alot of other things would follow. I go on the 8th ....one week from yesterday to do a sleep study. Hopefully they can give me some answers.
I read on FMAware that alot of fibro patients don't ever hit deep sleep. They usually don't get that restful, regenerative sleep.....I am curious to see if that is true for me. Fibro..........ughhhh. I know I seem to be harping on that alot, but right now it is my biggest monster. It's slowing me down.....trying to stop me in my tracks.
I tried for more than a year to go "natural" with this whole fibro thing. To not take meds, to try to do things that might help me without becoming dependent on a drug.........IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!!!!
Then I did an investigational study for almost a year.......it helped, but the drug company pulled it early.....too bad for those of us it helped. Now, I've spent most of another year working with a doctor at UC who focuses on Fibro patients.....like myself. I am improved, but not bearable sometimes.
I hate to harp, but sometimes.....I just need to complain.....to woe is me.......just for alittle bit. I love my friends though.....I cannot tell you how many people have asked me about Lyrica.....I wish Lyrica worked for me, but I am so past that!!! The unfortunate thing about this monster is that it doesn't look or act the same on everyone. For months and months I prayed that God would take this burden from my life. He has chosen to say no. I have chosen to do my best with this burden, but sometimes.........sometimes.......I feel like I can't go another step. When I've had days and days without decent sleep......when I hurt so bad I cannot think straight........when I cannot process a thought, because my brain has slowed so much. I just want to scream....and I do. I have cried out in my pain again and again........to God . He always sees me through. I go on with the strength to live one more day. He always sends me a reminder of why I'm here, and so.....I push myslef through one more day. I smile and laugh and joke.......I do a job that requires both mental and physical concentration.....processing 2 languages at the same time.....interpreting what was just said at the same time that I am listening to what is being said now.....processing while I'm communicating.....hands and arms up moving all the time....... It's becoming more and more difficult to do. I cry out to God in his infinate wisdom to save me from this plague........but, again he says no..........and he walks with me through this nightmare.
When my children......want to cuddle with me and lay on me and play with me....and hug me, and it hurts so bad to even have someone touch my skin.....I wonder why I was left to have this awful syndrome........a syndrome that seperates me from the physical touch of my own children....and husband......I cry out to God through my broken hearted pain.............take this away.......again he says no...........but, he leads me through my broken heartedness.
When everything I eat.....makes me immediately sick and I can't keep my food in........I feel hungry and sick at the same time......yet never seem to lose any weight.....I cry out to him.....please .....take this from me........again he says no......yet he sustains me.
Yet, in the messiness of my tortured brain....I still sometimes wish all of the suffering would end. And again i wonder, why me? Why was I given this burden.......why was my family given this burden.......why must my children suffer? Why must i suffer? And in those times..........times like right now....when I've had weeks of pain......migraine headaches........sore/knotted muscles.......joints swollen and painful.......brain so slow............no sleep.....sick all the time.........I search for the answer why? Why? and I think.......
Why not?
Why not?
Why not me? Why not?
I know that there is a purpose to all of this suffering. I know he has a plan. I just wish........pray.......hope...........plead............beg............cry out for this suffering to end!!!!!!!!!! I sometimes feel so desperate...........I feel so lost in some ways and so blessed in others. Well, until the Lord choses to unveil his purpose to me in this matter...I will continue to do my best to push through the bad.....to reach beyond myself
I am so tired. I am bone weary......and now at 5:35......I will lay my head on the couch cushion....and hope that I can catch a few zzzzzzzzzs, because.....I still have to be, wife, mother, friend, daughter.....and all around pain in the tookus....so I bid you all....sweet dreams............may the Lord bless you sleep with rejuvination and peace........may angels surround your bed as you sleep....and may he give you rest.