desperatyon........Iswear those aren,t the keys I hit

I am in so much pain. I'm so restless and have no desire to do anything. I hate Fibro.....I hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It deadens me alittle bit more everyday. I sometimes feel like I cannot go on for long.....I would like to pray right now.
Father, please help to take this pain from me. I need a break from the physical and mental torture. If it is not your will to do so .....please help me to cope through this....I feel anxious and caged......I try to be still Father....but I can't....I cry out...for you hand of mercy to heal me....I am weak...I need to be free.
I don't know that I would ever hurt myself....but I'm pretty sure I've lost my mind.

Ughhhhhhh!

Over the last couple of days.....I've started to write several times and never followed through. I'm such a jumbled mess that I'm not even sure where to start. Not that it really matters....I post this blog mostly for myself. Sorry. I'm just in a really bad place right now. I gottago.
I hope all is well with my readers.

I was kicked in the butt again.......

If the heart and soul of mankind has no "weight".....life becomes tragically capsized.....
The minister at the church I attend has been talking about the fall of man and what led us there....as well....as how we today can learn from that situation. I have been convicted week after week in this series.
He told the story of a man who's last name was Plant....he was a tremendous sailor, who took a boat called the Coyote out to sail around the world. The Coyote...was a state of the art boat. It had all the most sophisticated equipment money could buy...much like the Titanic it was a wonder of it's time. He had a support team who tracked him using satellite and phone. He took off by himself........sometime during his trip he was battered with terrible storms, that knocked out satellite contact as well as the phone, but the support team wasn't worried....he'd call in when he could .....after all the Coyote has safety equipment and such... so....of course you know....they never heard from him again. When they went searching for him they found the Coyote floating in the ocean upside down. Now, I'm no sailor, but he explained that....ships don't generally stay capsized, because the weight of the rutters and such are too heavy.....however.....the Coyote with all it's equipment...wasn't balanced below the waterline and it was too top heavy.......
His point was....a life without God.....below the surface.....filling the inner fiber that quide our decisions......makes our life out of balance. No matter how great or together we look outside...if we don't have him in the center of our life.....our balance is off and our lives become tragically capsized.... I totally love that illustration!

So ...the more we've got going on above... the more Godly weight we must have below. We must have him deep within us guiding us or we will fail. Kicked my butt....we were challenged to examine whether or not our lives were balanced..... some of the questions we were to think about were......
are we:
selfish or selfless
directed or drifting
filtered or flawed
perceptive or perplexed
only God living in our lives weighing us and balancing us brings the second in each question.
I have some work to do.....I feel like I'm pretty ok with a couple of these, but sometimes I allow what's going on above the waterline...define what my reactions and actions are....and how I weight below the waterline...and that shouldn't be that way.......it should be a steady weight that doesn't get determined by the outside....it should be what decides what I do.
Anyway, gave me alot to think about......I haven't been too good at giving control over God.
Well, it's off to work I go for the first time again in several days...I'm very leary......when kids...especially special education kids are off for a long time.....there is alot that they seem to lose and it's alot of extra work to get them back into the swing of things. Wish me luck!!!

Henry Fuzzyseats and other things that are new.....

Yesterday, a modern miracle happened. It is such a God thing that I really wanted to post it. For the last year...I have been desperate to have a second car. I've prayed about the situation and was very disappointed when we didn't have enough funds in our income tax return to buy an older car. I figured it just wasn't the time. Then a friend called and said that they had an extra car....just sitting on their insurance and in their driveway........would I like to buy it and make payments. To make matters better.....we found insurance where we could fully cover both cars for the same price as covering just our main car on our old insurance. We then, looked at our finances after working out payments with our friend yesterday, and bringing home the car....that we will be paying off another bill that will be exactly the amount we need for our car payment, and to cover the additional upkeep and gas each month. God is so good to me.
Henry Fuzzyseats is what we named our "new" friend. He's a 97 Honda Accord, and we are blessed to have him. The kids think he is awesome, and they of course are the ones who named him.
I love when the hand of providence is so clearly written across something that happens. When you know that it is a direct answer to prayer, and that God has opened every door. I am of course also greatful to my wonderful friends who just happened to have a car........
Sometimes Nick and I feel like we are about to crumble under the pressure of our daily life. Especially with all the doctors appointments and his physical therapy schedule....we were scrambling to think of how we would work it all out. Somedays the kids and I spend enough time in the car to take a trip to Columbus and back. ......however, we never go much more that 10 miles from home.
This car will allow me to come straight home from school each day. To get alittle done around the house before I poop out, and to have dinner at home, at a decent hour. Who would have thought one little car could mean so much. I'm so happy. I'm sure my parents are too, because it means that we never have to borrow Dad's car again.....or ask them for help with rides.....or come over everyday and mess up their house waiting for Nick........or make Mom late for work....
What a huge relief. Thank you God.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow...praise Him all creatures here below.....praise Him above ye heavenly host.....praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost!

I'm a jumbled mess.....

I am a mess. Duh! Right? Well, I am trying to get my inner house in order, and do some spring cleaning....I know it's alittle early for spring cleaning, but I need it. If I don't relieve some stress and pressure soon....I will burst. In some ways I am a time bomb. Don't call 911 or anything...I'm not going to end my life. I just sometimes feel so overwhelmed that I'm not sure which way to go next. I have been praying about my career. I love what I do. I love the children that I work with. God has burdened my heart for children. I know in that way I'm on the right track. It's just that.....my career as an interpreter .....I feel is coming to an end. Every year I feel it coming closer and closer. With the fibro and the pressure at work to do more and more.....I just don't know how much longer I can hold on.
I have a burden and longing to work with children....especially those who aren't as able. I'm just unsure of the path God would have me go. I have more than enough credit hours for a bachelors and an associates degree.....alot of my degree work is in psychology...........and counseling. I sometimes wonder...if I shouldn't continue my pursuit of a psych degree or counseling degree and work with children....specializing in Deafness. Then I think about my love for the learning process....and the first time a child is able to take the tools I've helped to give them and accomplish a task for themselves......I love it.....so sometimes I feel maybe I should become a teacher........then......I think of all the nursing and care that my job over the years has come to entail and I think....pediatric nurse. If there is anyone out there reading this...please pray that God would open my eyes to the right path and give me a means to get to where He wants me to be. This topic is all I've been able to think about for several days now. I cannot stop pondering on it and praying about it. I feel compelled to make a change.....and I am clear that it involves working with children....I'm just waiting for the last piece of the puzzle.
I am also working on my physical self. Nick and I have been changing our lifestyle......no we aren't becoming swingers.....we are getting healthy. We are changing our eating habits and trying to be more active as a family. Not only for ourselves .....but for our children. They deserve to have two healthy parents.
I'm trying to be still and wait on God's answers......where I will be led.....but it's so hard....... pray for me.

Testing testing......is this thing on?

I just wanted to write an update. I went to my fibro doc yesterday. Despite eating better, and now working out in the water.....I gained 3 pounds this month. That was very frustrating. I would like to thank my aunt.....you know who you are for the concern and the sage advice. I am going to look into your suggestion...every little bit helps right?
Anyway, I still have 2 more doc appointments this week. I will going tomorrow...so my urologist can put a scope in my bladder and check things out there. I will then get the results of whether or not I have IC......then on Friday, I get to have a sleep study. Wooo HHHOOOOO!! of course, fibrodoc.....says that because I keep having numbness in my feet and lower legs....I call it my numbsocks....and my hands and wrists are giving me such fits....I now get to see a neurologist and have emgs on all my limbs.....next week....yeah me! She upped my meds.....that helped me sleep some last night, but now I am soooooooooooooooooooo tired!!!!!!!!!!! and, my head feels like it's floating alittle....this should be a fun day.
If I indeed find that I have carpal tunnel or umbrel tunnel....atleast I think that's what the second is called...I am definately going to have to make some decisions about my future.
Anyway, Cheers to all....and happy FAT Tuesday!!!!!

The Wisdom of Jay Leno?

Jay Leno wrote this; it's the Jay Leno we don't often see....
'The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true, given the source, right?
The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed, and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the President. In essence, 2/3's of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change.

So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, ''What are we so unhappy about?'' Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter? Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job? Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time, and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year? Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state? Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter? I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough. Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provides services to help all, and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital. Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings. Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or lo ss. This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers own cell phones and computers.

How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world? Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy. Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S., yet has a great disdain for its citizens .

They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have , and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here. I know, I know. What about the President who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The President who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this the same President who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? The President that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks? The Commander-In Chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show? Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad? Think about it...are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the 'Media' told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day. Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't hav e to go. They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig. So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans? Say what you want, but I blame it on the media If it bleeds, it leads; and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporationsThey offer what sells and when criticized, try to defend their actions by 'justifying' the m in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about 'how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way'...Insane! Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media. Shut off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage.

Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is exponentially more good than bad. We are among the most blessed people on Earth, and should thank God several times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative. 'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, 'Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'

Jay Leno 2007
*****

Pure Worship

Yesterday morning.....I awoke with a migraine. That is no big news....but, it was Sunday morning. Last Sunday, I missed church, because I was so unwell. I felt I couldn't miss my weekly injection of encouragement. So, I forced myself to get dressed, put in my contacts so that my face didn't hurt so much...slapped on a pair of dark sunglasses and drug myself to church. I was blessed for it!!!!! I experienced one of those rare occassions where I got a glimpse of what heaven would be like. Pure, uninhibited, joyful worship. From the minute I walked in to the church building yesterday....I could tell that the Lord has something special planned just for me. I was open and ready, despite feeling like I was going to pass out. The song service was a mix of Hymns and worship songs.......just the perfect blend of words and soul to really open my heart to the Lord's guidance. I 've really been struggling the last few weeks. The song Amazing Love (You Are My King) started....I cried as I sang....I turned my full face to heaven and I sang with all the fibers of my being. It is truly one of my favorite songs.

I'm forgiven, because you were forsaken.
I'm accepted, you were condemned.
I'm alive and well, your spirit is within me, because you died and rose again.


Amazing love. How can it be? That you my king would die for me?
Amazing love. I know it's true. It's my joy to honor you. In all I do, I honor you.

You are my king, Jesus, you are my king.

Such simple, yet profound words. I am a living vessel of Christ. I am a part of something so much bigger than myself. I have a loving King, who carries me when I cannot go it myself. I am able to do things I never thought possible, because His spirit....the Holy Spirit lives in me. My life is ........to honor Him. In everything, not just on Sunday morning, not just on a missions trip.
That song......just absolutely gives me goose bumps everytime I sing it....or think on it.
Yesterday, it was a lifeline, a reminder, and a promise.

God didn't stop blessing me when the last strains of music died. He blessed me with a message that I could have sworn was written and delivered just for me. I recently commented to a friend ...that I felt that not having the courage to stand and be counted for what you know is God breathed is a sin. It's cowardice to sit in a pew and allow apathy and such to go on, especially in church and not be a voice for truth.

Don't you know, the message yesterday was the story of Noah. Noah, warned and told the people for 100 years...that a flood was coming. That destruction was coming. God in his Compassionate wisdom, sent a warning...even though he was so angry at man. The Bible says he was so angry, He was sorry he had created the world, yet, he sent a messanger....the one man who's heart had won his favor......Noah. Noah wasn't some politician, he wasn't a celebrity, he was just an ordinary man. Can you imagine the ridicule he suffered? Geez, nowadays, you say you are a believer, and you can be bashed.....by other believers and non believeres alike.....imagine how much more this man suffered for 100 years. Yet, he did not waver. He continued buiding this crazy ship.....that had 1,000,000 square feet of space.....made out of a specific wood.....in a very specific way. Then, he didn't have to gather the animals.......at the time they needed to come God sent them to Noah. Can you imagine that?
So what? So, Noah believed. He perservered. He was consistent. He was chosen by God, because he had a personal relationship....it was his heart that wond God's favor in the first place, and he was bold. He stood for what was good and right....in a time where evil thoughts were everywhere....where wicked actions were the norm.....where apathy ran wild.
Sound familiar? See any parallels? Not only do I believe that Noah can parallel the world today, but more importantly the church.
So.......then I need to look at my spiritual life and ask myself the following questions...and I encourage anyone reading to do the same:

Is my faith definitive? Is there a clear contrast to sin? Do I have a personal relationship with the Lord? Do I have a living faith instead of a practiced religion? Am I bold? Do I stand up for things that are right, even when they aren't the popular view? Can I step up when courage is demanded? Am I consistent? Am I doing this all the time or only sometimes? Is my faith anticipitory? Am I looking ahead to what God has in store for me at the end of days? Am I caught up in now? Am I living like I'm dieing?
Lots of questions to answer.......do I measure up?

I walked out of that church yesterday.........renewed, transformed.........so happy......I love pure worship. I am speechless....my heart is full.....and I have a sense of direction. I also have alot of work to do.

Anyway, for those who are unsure about the true story of Noah....it is found in Genesis...I believe the 5th -7th chapters......check it out...it is a truly amazing story. And, if you want a vivid picture of what it might have been like for Noah....even though .....this picture is in no way accurate.....Evan Almighty....is really cool...when the animals come, and the reaction of the people......check em out.

Well, that's all for this morning.....I was just so moved yesterday.....I had to share some of my thoughts. I have another hour before I actually have to be up, so maybe I can take a nap on the couch now.....I didn't fall asleep until 1.....was up twice, and finally got up about 4:45. I miss sleep.
I have a fibro doctor appt. today after work...I'll keep everyone.....posted on whatsup.....
I'm always open to comments.......
BethAnn

Well, here it is 5am on a Saturday morning.....I've been up for an hour already and I was up about 4 times during the night. If I could just get this sleep thing under control alot of other things would follow. I go on the 8th ....one week from yesterday to do a sleep study. Hopefully they can give me some answers.
I read on FMAware that alot of fibro patients don't ever hit deep sleep. They usually don't get that restful, regenerative sleep.....I am curious to see if that is true for me. Fibro..........ughhhh. I know I seem to be harping on that alot, but right now it is my biggest monster. It's slowing me down.....trying to stop me in my tracks.
I tried for more than a year to go "natural" with this whole fibro thing. To not take meds, to try to do things that might help me without becoming dependent on a drug.........IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!!!!
Then I did an investigational study for almost a year.......it helped, but the drug company pulled it early.....too bad for those of us it helped. Now, I've spent most of another year working with a doctor at UC who focuses on Fibro patients.....like myself. I am improved, but not bearable sometimes.
I hate to harp, but sometimes.....I just need to complain.....to woe is me.......just for alittle bit. I love my friends though.....I cannot tell you how many people have asked me about Lyrica.....I wish Lyrica worked for me, but I am so past that!!! The unfortunate thing about this monster is that it doesn't look or act the same on everyone. For months and months I prayed that God would take this burden from my life. He has chosen to say no. I have chosen to do my best with this burden, but sometimes.........sometimes.......I feel like I can't go another step. When I've had days and days without decent sleep......when I hurt so bad I cannot think straight........when I cannot process a thought, because my brain has slowed so much. I just want to scream....and I do. I have cried out in my pain again and again........to God . He always sees me through. I go on with the strength to live one more day. He always sends me a reminder of why I'm here, and so.....I push myslef through one more day. I smile and laugh and joke.......I do a job that requires both mental and physical concentration.....processing 2 languages at the same time.....interpreting what was just said at the same time that I am listening to what is being said now.....processing while I'm communicating.....hands and arms up moving all the time....... It's becoming more and more difficult to do. I cry out to God in his infinate wisdom to save me from this plague........but, again he says no..........and he walks with me through this nightmare.
When my children......want to cuddle with me and lay on me and play with me....and hug me, and it hurts so bad to even have someone touch my skin.....I wonder why I was left to have this awful syndrome........a syndrome that seperates me from the physical touch of my own children....and husband......I cry out to God through my broken hearted pain.............take this away.......again he says no...........but, he leads me through my broken heartedness.
When everything I eat.....makes me immediately sick and I can't keep my food in........I feel hungry and sick at the same time......yet never seem to lose any weight.....I cry out to him.....please .....take this from me........again he says no......yet he sustains me.
Yet, in the messiness of my tortured brain....I still sometimes wish all of the suffering would end. And again i wonder, why me? Why was I given this burden.......why was my family given this burden.......why must my children suffer? Why must i suffer? And in those times..........times like right now....when I've had weeks of pain......migraine headaches........sore/knotted muscles.......joints swollen and painful.......brain so slow............no sleep.....sick all the time.........I search for the answer why? Why? and I think.......
Why not?
Why not?
Why not me? Why not?
I know that there is a purpose to all of this suffering. I know he has a plan. I just wish........pray.......hope...........plead............beg............cry out for this suffering to end!!!!!!!!!! I sometimes feel so desperate...........I feel so lost in some ways and so blessed in others. Well, until the Lord choses to unveil his purpose to me in this matter...I will continue to do my best to push through the bad.....to reach beyond myself
I am so tired. I am bone weary......and now at 5:35......I will lay my head on the couch cushion....and hope that I can catch a few zzzzzzzzzs, because.....I still have to be, wife, mother, friend, daughter.....and all around pain in the tookus....so I bid you all....sweet dreams............may the Lord bless you sleep with rejuvination and peace........may angels surround your bed as you sleep....and may he give you rest.

Seperation of Church and State.....bah humbug I say!

I have a friend who always spits that at me......at Christmas, I was trying to come up with a Christmas Craft for the little ones I work with to gift their parents with.....I found a really cute way to make angel wings out of a childs hand prints.......as soon as that friend say the idea......."you can't use angels.......seperation of church and state"........so what's my point.......That is just a small example of what people of true faith face everyday. I have a dear aunt who told me recently that she votes without taking her beliefs into consideration. What?????? How can you deny something that weaves into every fiber of your being? That guides your every decision? I don't understand.......I could no easier leave my faith out of everything I do than I could chop off an arm or a leg. I am who I am, because of my faith, because Jesus lives in me. I was baptized in the water, and made new......the holy spirit lives in me.....how can I seperate that from my person? Without my faith......I am nothing. I am a shell.....how could anyone feel that they could seperate themselves from their faith?
I view my job not a job at all.....it is a Christ driven vocation.....a mission........and a believe one of God's major purposes of putting me on this earth. I love those children, and do the best I can everyday to give them tools for success.......remembering always that Christ told me to love .....
I gotta go for now......but some deep thoughts to start the day on.......