Ressurection Sunday

As I sit here, I am thinking about the pain that I am in. I am pondering how lost I feel. I'm wondering how people will judge me (in my family) for not attending church on the most sacred of days. It's not that I don't want to worship. It's not that I don't want to get cleaned up and just go....even if I will be late. It's just.............my body feels heavy, and my brain feels constantly tormented. Everything hurts today.......and all my joints are swollen. Fantastic.
I haven't slept in 2 days. 5 minutes here or there......cat naps....but I haven't had a restful restorative sleep in 2 days. I'm tired and I'm weak......and I have no interest in doing anything, but sleeping.
I wonder how much more He felt? I wonder how much more He suffered? I wonder how much more he suffers everyday.....just for me.
Jesus paid it all....
all to him I owe....
sin had left a crimson stain...
he washed it white as snow........

I forget the first line.....but in that hymn.....

My strength in did is small....
child of ????? watch and pray.
Find in me thine all and all.......

i wouldn't be able to bear this life if it wasn't for Him, and on this most holy of days, I am reminded so clearly how I should feel and act everyday.


Jesus Paid it All........celebrate the love of Christ our Lord today.

desperatyon........Iswear those aren,t the keys I hit

I am in so much pain. I'm so restless and have no desire to do anything. I hate Fibro.....I hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It deadens me alittle bit more everyday. I sometimes feel like I cannot go on for long.....I would like to pray right now.
Father, please help to take this pain from me. I need a break from the physical and mental torture. If it is not your will to do so .....please help me to cope through this....I feel anxious and caged......I try to be still Father....but I can't....I cry out...for you hand of mercy to heal me....I am weak...I need to be free.
I don't know that I would ever hurt myself....but I'm pretty sure I've lost my mind.

Ughhhhhhh!

Over the last couple of days.....I've started to write several times and never followed through. I'm such a jumbled mess that I'm not even sure where to start. Not that it really matters....I post this blog mostly for myself. Sorry. I'm just in a really bad place right now. I gottago.
I hope all is well with my readers.

I was kicked in the butt again.......

If the heart and soul of mankind has no "weight".....life becomes tragically capsized.....
The minister at the church I attend has been talking about the fall of man and what led us there....as well....as how we today can learn from that situation. I have been convicted week after week in this series.
He told the story of a man who's last name was Plant....he was a tremendous sailor, who took a boat called the Coyote out to sail around the world. The Coyote...was a state of the art boat. It had all the most sophisticated equipment money could buy...much like the Titanic it was a wonder of it's time. He had a support team who tracked him using satellite and phone. He took off by himself........sometime during his trip he was battered with terrible storms, that knocked out satellite contact as well as the phone, but the support team wasn't worried....he'd call in when he could .....after all the Coyote has safety equipment and such... so....of course you know....they never heard from him again. When they went searching for him they found the Coyote floating in the ocean upside down. Now, I'm no sailor, but he explained that....ships don't generally stay capsized, because the weight of the rutters and such are too heavy.....however.....the Coyote with all it's equipment...wasn't balanced below the waterline and it was too top heavy.......
His point was....a life without God.....below the surface.....filling the inner fiber that quide our decisions......makes our life out of balance. No matter how great or together we look outside...if we don't have him in the center of our life.....our balance is off and our lives become tragically capsized.... I totally love that illustration!

So ...the more we've got going on above... the more Godly weight we must have below. We must have him deep within us guiding us or we will fail. Kicked my butt....we were challenged to examine whether or not our lives were balanced..... some of the questions we were to think about were......
are we:
selfish or selfless
directed or drifting
filtered or flawed
perceptive or perplexed
only God living in our lives weighing us and balancing us brings the second in each question.
I have some work to do.....I feel like I'm pretty ok with a couple of these, but sometimes I allow what's going on above the waterline...define what my reactions and actions are....and how I weight below the waterline...and that shouldn't be that way.......it should be a steady weight that doesn't get determined by the outside....it should be what decides what I do.
Anyway, gave me alot to think about......I haven't been too good at giving control over God.
Well, it's off to work I go for the first time again in several days...I'm very leary......when kids...especially special education kids are off for a long time.....there is alot that they seem to lose and it's alot of extra work to get them back into the swing of things. Wish me luck!!!

Henry Fuzzyseats and other things that are new.....

Yesterday, a modern miracle happened. It is such a God thing that I really wanted to post it. For the last year...I have been desperate to have a second car. I've prayed about the situation and was very disappointed when we didn't have enough funds in our income tax return to buy an older car. I figured it just wasn't the time. Then a friend called and said that they had an extra car....just sitting on their insurance and in their driveway........would I like to buy it and make payments. To make matters better.....we found insurance where we could fully cover both cars for the same price as covering just our main car on our old insurance. We then, looked at our finances after working out payments with our friend yesterday, and bringing home the car....that we will be paying off another bill that will be exactly the amount we need for our car payment, and to cover the additional upkeep and gas each month. God is so good to me.
Henry Fuzzyseats is what we named our "new" friend. He's a 97 Honda Accord, and we are blessed to have him. The kids think he is awesome, and they of course are the ones who named him.
I love when the hand of providence is so clearly written across something that happens. When you know that it is a direct answer to prayer, and that God has opened every door. I am of course also greatful to my wonderful friends who just happened to have a car........
Sometimes Nick and I feel like we are about to crumble under the pressure of our daily life. Especially with all the doctors appointments and his physical therapy schedule....we were scrambling to think of how we would work it all out. Somedays the kids and I spend enough time in the car to take a trip to Columbus and back. ......however, we never go much more that 10 miles from home.
This car will allow me to come straight home from school each day. To get alittle done around the house before I poop out, and to have dinner at home, at a decent hour. Who would have thought one little car could mean so much. I'm so happy. I'm sure my parents are too, because it means that we never have to borrow Dad's car again.....or ask them for help with rides.....or come over everyday and mess up their house waiting for Nick........or make Mom late for work....
What a huge relief. Thank you God.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow...praise Him all creatures here below.....praise Him above ye heavenly host.....praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost!

I'm a jumbled mess.....

I am a mess. Duh! Right? Well, I am trying to get my inner house in order, and do some spring cleaning....I know it's alittle early for spring cleaning, but I need it. If I don't relieve some stress and pressure soon....I will burst. In some ways I am a time bomb. Don't call 911 or anything...I'm not going to end my life. I just sometimes feel so overwhelmed that I'm not sure which way to go next. I have been praying about my career. I love what I do. I love the children that I work with. God has burdened my heart for children. I know in that way I'm on the right track. It's just that.....my career as an interpreter .....I feel is coming to an end. Every year I feel it coming closer and closer. With the fibro and the pressure at work to do more and more.....I just don't know how much longer I can hold on.
I have a burden and longing to work with children....especially those who aren't as able. I'm just unsure of the path God would have me go. I have more than enough credit hours for a bachelors and an associates degree.....alot of my degree work is in psychology...........and counseling. I sometimes wonder...if I shouldn't continue my pursuit of a psych degree or counseling degree and work with children....specializing in Deafness. Then I think about my love for the learning process....and the first time a child is able to take the tools I've helped to give them and accomplish a task for themselves......I love it.....so sometimes I feel maybe I should become a teacher........then......I think of all the nursing and care that my job over the years has come to entail and I think....pediatric nurse. If there is anyone out there reading this...please pray that God would open my eyes to the right path and give me a means to get to where He wants me to be. This topic is all I've been able to think about for several days now. I cannot stop pondering on it and praying about it. I feel compelled to make a change.....and I am clear that it involves working with children....I'm just waiting for the last piece of the puzzle.
I am also working on my physical self. Nick and I have been changing our lifestyle......no we aren't becoming swingers.....we are getting healthy. We are changing our eating habits and trying to be more active as a family. Not only for ourselves .....but for our children. They deserve to have two healthy parents.
I'm trying to be still and wait on God's answers......where I will be led.....but it's so hard....... pray for me.

Testing testing......is this thing on?

I just wanted to write an update. I went to my fibro doc yesterday. Despite eating better, and now working out in the water.....I gained 3 pounds this month. That was very frustrating. I would like to thank my aunt.....you know who you are for the concern and the sage advice. I am going to look into your suggestion...every little bit helps right?
Anyway, I still have 2 more doc appointments this week. I will going tomorrow...so my urologist can put a scope in my bladder and check things out there. I will then get the results of whether or not I have IC......then on Friday, I get to have a sleep study. Wooo HHHOOOOO!! of course, fibrodoc.....says that because I keep having numbness in my feet and lower legs....I call it my numbsocks....and my hands and wrists are giving me such fits....I now get to see a neurologist and have emgs on all my limbs.....next week....yeah me! She upped my meds.....that helped me sleep some last night, but now I am soooooooooooooooooooo tired!!!!!!!!!!! and, my head feels like it's floating alittle....this should be a fun day.
If I indeed find that I have carpal tunnel or umbrel tunnel....atleast I think that's what the second is called...I am definately going to have to make some decisions about my future.
Anyway, Cheers to all....and happy FAT Tuesday!!!!!